Thursday, March 25, 2010

A long post!

Isn't it like me
to want to say
things I can't explain ...
in simple ways?
Why should I be sane?
Why can't I be crazy?
Sometimes I'm up,
sometimes I'm down,
I choke on words,
and make no sound.

My life isn't full of ups and downs, for once it is all about "falling-down-a-rabbit-hole-figuring-out-the-way-to-go-up-but-failing-every time-trying-to-reach-the-top." And that hole never takes me to any wonderland. I'm no Alice. I'm no Cinderella either.
I try, I fail, my misbegotten plans keep pulling me down, and everything goes wrong. My hard gathered optimism often becomes the poor victim of my unwanted lover - pessimism, it chomps onto every little bit of my optimism till there is left no more, leaving me overwhelmed with distress.
I have had fair weather friends, friends I loved and cared for, selflessly, friends who betrayed me when I least expected it. I was left torn, shattered and flabbergasted by their materialistic attitude. I have never felt how it is like to have a true friend, a friend you could trust with your life.
A lover could be your best friend too, and I am glad to have one =) but still, there is always a little need for a friend who's just a friend, A girl-girl friendly talk is always a pleasure =D Sighs. I never had one. They all used me for their own purposes, took advantage. From assignments to the littlest of the things, they took my help, only to hurt me in the end, and turn their backs on me. I didn't say anything. I just silently walked away. Once again, life taught me a lesson.
However, I did find a few good friends, but they're all too far away.
Waves of nausea. Waves of tears often overwhelmed my senses in loneliness.

Someone once told me,

"Do not be afraid to be in the world; the world is not afraid to be in you."

And yet, regardless of all these unfortunate events of the past, I find myself to be lucky in a good way because,
Happiness lies for those who have cried, those who were hurt, those who have searched, and those who tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. (:
Its funny how optimism is coming back to me as I am writing this post. Gee, I shall be thankful for what I have got! I'm blessed, with many things I often take for granted.
My life is not a fairy tale where the endings turn out to be happy. There is no happily-ever-after to life. Life is not a constant, but a constant struggle, a constant change. But don't stick to my sombre image of life, it can be beautiful too, only if we try and seek its beauty within everything around us. We often fail to recognize life's beauty, so much so that we take for granted every blessing we are blessed with.
Oh wait, let me pour my tea, let me sip on to this funny liquid, this will make me feel good.
So yes, back to the post,

There are people who love me, love me for who I am. I believe, I believe these fears will go away.
And everything will soon fall into place.

And I hate how I've turned into this lazy bum. I make mistakes I often regret. I am going to change myself, try real hard, be a good girl, and make my loved ones proud.

These hackneyed but growing nonetheless hopes, that I often infuse myself with, help me feel good. lol I talk too much when I write. :/
I badly need a nap I'm exhausted. I want to sleep a lot. And sometimes I cannot fall asleep at all :/ And sometimes I sleep for hours. lol
Sometimes I feel like I'm little Audrey because I dream a lot!

But ooolala I wrote a long post today!! Its been ages since I posted a long musing!

There are a lot of things that are desperately bubbling to get out of me and I want to scribble it all!


Monday, March 22, 2010


Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart

And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly

That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

Lyrics/ Mulan/ Reflection.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Colors of the wind (:

You think I'm an ignorant savage
And you've been so many places
I guess it must be so
But still I cannot see
If the savage one is me
How can there be so much that you don't know?
You don't know ...

You think you own whatever land you land on
The Earth is just a dead thing you can claim
But I know every rock and tree and creature
Has a life, has a spirit, has a name

You think the only people who are people
Are the people who look and think like you
But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger
You'll learn things you never knew you never knew

Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon
Or asked the grinning bobcat why he grinned?
Can you sing with all the voices of the mountains?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?
Can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

Come run the hidden pine trails of the forest
Come taste the sunsweet berries of the Earth
Come roll in all the riches all around you
And for once, never wonder what they're worth

The rainstorm and the river are my brothers
The heron and the otter are my friends
And we are all connected to each other
In a circle, in a hoop that never ends

How high will the sycamore grow?
If you cut it down, then you'll never know
And you'll never hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon

For whether we are white or copper skinned
We need to sing with all the voices of the mountains
We need to paint with all the colors of the wind

You can own the Earth and still
All you'll own is Earth until
You can paint with all the colors of the wind

You can tell its one of my favorite songs. (:
Colors of the wind <3
Vanessa Williams - Colors Of The Wind .mp3
Found at bee mp3 search engine

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Our garden has started blossming!

I took these lovely pictures. (: Spring's here and I love every part of this short but mesmerizing season. I used my Canon Powershot A530 in its Macro mode and I simply love the result!

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

I hate goodbyes. :'(

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Ally hasn't disappeared into thin air...

I'm still alive and having the time of my life =p I'm on a short vacation, faraway from home. And its good to kick back and relax for a while. Just a few more days and I'll be back home.
I found this awesome song , I love the tune and I am so in love with it=p
Especially the la-la-la-la-la part :D
I can't relate myself to the lyrics but who cares its a great song anyway. Hot British accents.
Enough said listen for yourself.
Good day.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Roadblocks - they're not insurmountable.

As I am growing up, I'm turning into a lady I never thought I'd be. I know what maturity is, yet I am so immature. It all began with innocence, eyes open wide, I gained knowledge. I gained a bit of wisdom too, yes. But I think I failed on how to put it to use.
As I grow older I do not find that I am any wiser, yet more willing to share what wisdom I have found. Life has always been queer with its twists and turns, but I have learned a lot.As I get closer to what many would call the sad part of life, I find it a bit easier to deal with all the stress, I am getting used to it by now.


Sometimes I wish I could only go back only once, and give it another try. Try it some other way. But that would only be possible when hell freezes over. But I guess it is better if I let bygones be bygones and go with the flow and prepare for whats ahead of ahead of me, and not cry over what I have left behind, what time snatched from me.


I am afraid of myself.
I guess maybe it was a long time ago but it feels relatively recent to me. Time is weird that way! Life teaches in a harsh way eh? And I often talk to myself, "Wow, I was suitably cryptic out there wasn't I?"

I find myself so often chasing snow shadows, trying to change just one!


I won't give up just yet. No I won't. God. Help me.