A long post!

Isn't it like me
to want to say
things I can't explain ...
in simple ways?
Why should I be sane?
Why can't I be crazy?
Sometimes I'm up,
sometimes I'm down,
I choke on words,
and make no sound.

My life isn't full of ups and downs, for once it is all about "falling-down-a-rabbit-hole-figuring-out-the-way-to-go-up-but-failing-every time-trying-to-reach-the-top." And that hole never takes me to any wonderland. I'm no Alice. I'm no Cinderella either.
I try, I fail, my misbegotten plans keep pulling me down, and everything goes wrong. My hard gathered optimism often becomes the poor victim of my unwanted lover - pessimism, it chomps onto every little bit of my optimism till there is left no more, leaving me overwhelmed with distress.
I have had fair weather friends, friends I loved and cared for, selflessly, friends who betrayed me when I least expected it. I was left torn, shattered and flabbergasted by their materialistic attitude. I have never felt how it is like to have a true friend, a friend you could trust with your life.
A lover could be your best friend too, and I am glad to have one =) but still, there is always a little need for a friend who's just a friend, A girl-girl friendly talk is always a pleasure =D Sighs. I never had one. They all used me for their own purposes, took advantage. From assignments to the littlest of the things, they took my help, only to hurt me in the end, and turn their backs on me. I didn't say anything. I just silently walked away. Once again, life taught me a lesson.
However, I did find a few good friends, but they're all too far away.
Waves of nausea. Waves of tears often overwhelmed my senses in loneliness.

Someone once told me,

"Do not be afraid to be in the world; the world is not afraid to be in you."

And yet, regardless of all these unfortunate events of the past, I find myself to be lucky in a good way because,
Happiness lies for those who have cried, those who were hurt, those who have searched, and those who tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives. (:
Its funny how optimism is coming back to me as I am writing this post. Gee, I shall be thankful for what I have got! I'm blessed, with many things I often take for granted.
My life is not a fairy tale where the endings turn out to be happy. There is no happily-ever-after to life. Life is not a constant, but a constant struggle, a constant change. But don't stick to my sombre image of life, it can be beautiful too, only if we try and seek its beauty within everything around us. We often fail to recognize life's beauty, so much so that we take for granted every blessing we are blessed with.
Oh wait, let me pour my tea, let me sip on to this funny liquid, this will make me feel good.
So yes, back to the post,

There are people who love me, love me for who I am. I believe, I believe these fears will go away.
And everything will soon fall into place.

And I hate how I've turned into this lazy bum. I make mistakes I often regret. I am going to change myself, try real hard, be a good girl, and make my loved ones proud.

These hackneyed but growing nonetheless hopes, that I often infuse myself with, help me feel good. lol I talk too much when I write. :/
I badly need a nap I'm exhausted. I want to sleep a lot. And sometimes I cannot fall asleep at all :/ And sometimes I sleep for hours. lol
Sometimes I feel like I'm little Audrey because I dream a lot!

But ooolala I wrote a long post today!! Its been ages since I posted a long musing!

There are a lot of things that are desperately bubbling to get out of me and I want to scribble it all!


-Ally